Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Back again..!

It's been a while. The good news is that my absence does not coincide with a "relapse"... I've actually been doing okay. I did make a huge mistake: I got discouraged and resorted to extreme measures (low/no carb, high fat diet) when I really knew it was not the right decision for me. I remembered that my parents lost no less than a pound a day following that kind of diet years ago and I really wanted to see RESULTS! so I thought I could/should do it. First of all, it's very hard to do that diet as a vegetarian. Second of all, I wasn't enjoying the food I was eating. Third of all, it doesn't fit into my health philosophy. Lastly, it only worked for the first week. After that I hit a serious plateau that lasted for weeks, despite my commitment to the diet and to exercise. I have spent the last week trying to ease myself back onto carbs by adding fruit and rice to my diet. Before too long I'll be eating my PB&J oatmeal again. I'm disappointed that I got off on that path because all in all I think it has thrown a huge wrench in my weight loss and I'm sure my body is not happy that I'm playing around like that. Oh well. Lesson learned.

The truth is, I have not weighed myself in over a week because I was getting so discouraged with the plateau that I was scared. I was afraid to find that the number may not have budged and scared that my reaction to that would be self-destruction (through food). It's so frustrating to work hard and not see any results! My last weigh in, which was 8 days ago, put me at 272. I have hit the gym, the road, and the veggies HARD since that weigh in and I'm hoping for a happier number tomorrow. Regardless, I do feel *pretty* good about myself and I'm glad to know I am 100 lbs away from a healthy weight. Strangely, that feels MUCH better than 130 lbs away. I can't wait until I have less than 100 to lose! That's going to be amazing.

Another reason I'm feeling pretty good is my exercise. I don't think I've blogged since I've started exercising. I am LOVING it! I wish I'd started sooner! I have been going for 30 minute jogs (paired with 30-40 minute walks home) or spending time on the elliptical machine at the gym. I'm finding that it is getting so much easier and more enjoyable! Usually by the end of the 30 minutes I am EXHAUSTED and can barely make the last few minutes. Last night, I actually still had energy. I could really tell that my heart and lungs were shaping up because I felt so much more comfortable the entire time, even when I increased my speed or climbed a hill. It's nice to not feel like you're dying! I'm excited to take my runs up a notch with speed and/or time.

Even though I've been feeling pretty good and noticing some changes in the mirror (and getting more compliments) I am definitely still frustrated about other things and struggling with certain issues. I am annoyed that my pants aren't falling off of me. Yes, they are looser, and that's nice, but for the amount of time I have been working I feel like I should be swimming in them! Hopefully soon. Not sure if I ever mentioned my size: I wore a 24 pushing 26 when I started. Now my 24s are loose and I'm wearing a 22 in some things. It's nice but I just can't wait for something more drastic. I'm hoping I'll be squeezing into 20s when I hit 250! When I reach a size 18, I think I'm going to buy a pair of American Eagle jeans. I've never been able to wear clothes from any brand like that. Truthfully, I don't imagine I will be someone who shops at AE often (not really my style) but the highschooler in me can't wait to wear the same jeans everyone else does. I will also be able to buy pants and skirts at Old Navy when I get into 18! It's extremely exciting to imagine getting out of the plus size stores.

I feel kind of silly talking about those things. However, for the first time in.. ever, actually... it doesn't feel like a dream anymore. I actually feel like I'm doing this for real and I'm going to carry through til the end. I might even be in those AE jeans by the end of the summer! Maybe I should buy a pair with my next paycheck as thinspiration?

I got a little off topic.. I was talking about things I'm struggling with. Another thing I am struggling with is what my deflated body is going to look like naked. I am very worried about this although I know it shouldn't be my focus right now. I can't help it. I have stretch marks all over my body.. I'm afraid they're going to look even worse when my skin is looser. I'm also worried about my boobs. They're already saggy and uneven... are they going to look gross when I'm skinny? I have been saving up a lot of money to move to Chicago. Hopefully I will get a job before or soon after moving. If I do, I will probably put most of my money toward surgery on my breasts and, if needed, my stomach. If I'm going to work this hard to get the body I want, I'm going to go all the way. My goal is to feel great about myself.

My writing is really lacking in this post. I don't have the energy to proof-read right now. I just needed to get some thoughts out. If I find some batteries to put in my scale, I'll weight tomorrow and post an update. Be prepared for total devastation if I'm still in the darn 270s!

1 comment:

  1. Hey Amanda! Thanks for your kind words on my blog. McSweeney's is such a fave of mine. Your blog is really inspiring! I love your honesty and humor — great combination. I look forward to checking in. Hope your week is kicked off to a good start.